Chapter two As temperature grows colder, I tend to get up late in the morning. The result is that I find myself getting ready to sleep without doing anything useful.
I have been living in anxiety and depression. Life seems to be out of my control. I want to change the status quo, but it is not easy.
My parents are getting old, but I can’t stay with them. I have to continue my research until graduation, but I have no good experimental results yet.
1. 第一节 回忆过去的时光，我总觉得非常的孤独。
很长一段时间里，我都在为学习而忙碌。相反对于生活上的事情，我总是一副漠不关心的态度。在身边的同龄人看来，我也许是一个勤奋好学的小孩吧。但其实，我这么做只是想通过学习这件事情来得到他人的认可。这种心态，大概是源自我童年的生活。那时候，父母时常忙碌于工作，把我独自留在家中。从那时起我就变得不爱交谈，有什么事情都靠忍耐来克服。慢慢地，我固化成了偏内向的性格。在之后漫长的岁月里，我反复失去了对生活的感悟，逐渐依赖“忙碌”来逃避生活。
说起来，我自认为不是一个天赋异禀的人。我只是抱有“愚公移山”的信念，觉得只要通过努力就可以弥补自己在天资上的不足。事实证明，我确实靠这份执着拿到了一个还算过得去的学历标签。然而，这也就是我个人努力的极限了。我逐渐认识到“人外有人，天外有天”。在这样一个“学习崇拜”的社会环境里，我被迫地成为了一个“书呆子”。这也算是偏执信念的副作用吧。
如果把社交算作一门学问的话，那我可以算是吊车尾的学生了。每次见到他人侃侃而谈，我会感到非常的自卑和恐惧。这种情绪就好像别人家的孩子考了好成绩，而自己却发挥不好被父母责备，被朋友嘲笑。我也想过去改变自己，但这不是一件容易的事情。
在我高中毕业后，这种自我认识开始变得越发深刻。我逐渐意识到，仅仅靠学习上的投入很难再得到他人的认可。从此，我开始变得愈发迷茫和焦虑。我对学习变得不再那么执着了，反而对“善于交际”的标签产生了渴望。但是，这种渴望却激起了我内心更深层次的痛苦。因为过去独来独往的生活，我很难再改变自己去适应这种新的社会环境。
长期陷入这种低迷的情绪，人就会开始变得丧和颓废。对生活充满无力感的我，对生活中的各种事情都感到索然无味。我曾经一度靠沉迷电子游戏和碎片化娱乐来麻痹自我。到后来，我开始对这种虚度光阴的行为感到深深的自责。我开始厌恶自己这种不求上进的态度，于是写下此篇作为反省，并祈祷未来的生活能够发生些许改变。
When I was in college, I bought a pair of scissors in the supermarket. It’s durable and handy. Every time I use it to cut things, an inexplicable “sense of fulfillment” flooded into my heart. Although it is merely an ordinary pair of scissors, with the increase of use, I seem to have “relied” on it. Why do you say that? Because there are many times that I spend a lot of time finding it, even though several other scissors are at home.
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